jnathanroy

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    • Name: Jonathan
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 7/6/2008

About Me

  • !Yoha...my name's Jonathan. I'm 15 and a sophomore. I'm undoubtedly and unashamedly a nerd. I follow Jesus Christ. I write. I sing. I fly at high velocities. I fight hordes of little aliens with breath masks and high-pitched voices. I scheme. I connive. I take over small islands in the Pacific. I chronicle battles. I create other worlds. I ride little electric scooters that look like miniature Harleys. I support the legacy of Bill Watterson. I love. I hate, though I shouldn't. I quote the Lord of the Rings movies without limit. I'm both a Jedi and a Sith...yes, I do duel myself in epic lightsaber battles on a regular basis. Who am I? I'm Spiderman...not really.

Weblog

Tuesday, 07 April 2009

  • A Few for the Road

    I didn't intend to post these. I'm actually surprised that they made it to paper, let alone the internet. I originally wrote them on my arm, with the intention of thinking on them for a time, then letting them go. But...

    A Few for the Road

    I.

    I'm so sick of being unwanted,
    But if I was aught else,
    Would I be satisfied?

    I'd rather my heart be anything but empty,
    Anything but broken,
    But if I had a few drops with which to fill it,
    Would they not spill themselves into the dust?

    I'd rather die than feel another (full) year
    Of pain unintended,
    But if I slew my pain, my self
    Would I damn myself to an eternity of death?

    I've broken my heart to avoid breaking others,
    More times than necessary.
    I hate to say it:
    I'd gladly break yours to avoid it.

    The reins are in your hands,
    The ball in your court.
    Grind me to dust,
    Or try to fill a shattered vessel.

    II.

    You the song, and I the singer;
    Must I flee, or may I linger.
    With my broken, callused finger
    May I touch and hold
    Your hand? And will you take the chances
    To improve our circumstances?
    Don the shoes and step the dances.
    I'll walk as I'm told.

    III.


    I'm no longer able to take joy in love.
    It's become an utterance synonymous with torture,
    And though I know it wasn't your intention,
    You've caused me a great deal of (premature) pain.

    Because you don't see me
    As I see you,
    And you don't see me
    As you see him.

    Because you don't say it,
    I know your answer
    To the question
    I've yet to ask.

    The unspeakable thought remains unspoken
    And nonexistent.

    Nobody thinks that thought
    Because nobody thinks.

  • Beginnings of a novel. Read it.

    So I started writing a book a few days ago. Here's what I've got so far. Remember that it's unfinished. Heh.

    Dreams are funny things: you can never tell how they’re going to be. Your eyelids are leaden, and you get tired of holding them up, even though you know there are things you should be doing. The hours have run away with each other, carrying your cognizance with them. So you let the padded vice, the oppressive pillow of sleep sink your face deep into your mattress, and you rest, drifting drowsily between the embellished columns of the gate that holds in the imaginings of your slumbering cerebrum.


               You never expect dreams, and you never bear witness of them while they loom behind your lids. Are they really only jumbled sequences of unspent electrical impulses, keeping your brain entertained while you sleep? Are they really governed by time and space? Some dreams you can control, and in some, the choose-your-own-adventure book turns its own pages. Sometimes you can force your way up the overgrown, over-gravitated path back to consciousness, and sometimes you know you’re going to wake, even though the thing you desire above all else is to continue meandering in the forest. The fabric, the nature of dreams is elusive. Your clouded memories weave their way through the tapestries of your dreams, distorting both.
          
              Sometimes what you swear is real is simply a well-placed vision. And sometimes, what you swear is a dream is stark reality.


          
          
    ~


          
             It’s about 2:00 A.M…I haven’t yet consulted the crimson-charactered alarm clock, so that’s only a rough estimation. My room isn’t really hot, but for some obscene reason, I’m sweating when I wake up. The inside of my mouth feels like an old engine: greasy, hot, and altogether unpleasant. My upper left cuspid hurts a bit…have I been grinding my teeth? My sheeted sofa is always uncomfortable come early morning. Normally I roll over and ignore it, resubmerging myself in my earthly nirvana, but I’m thirsty and hot and sweaty…and grumpy. I get up, my stiffened joints griping, and stretch groggily. I walk the fifteen feet to my door and push the latch down slowly, listening to the protestations of the spring-loaded mechanism. The quiet is quite tangible, an ambience that pushes inward on my ear drums, and I’m loath to disturb it. I swing the door slowly on its just-oiled hinges, arresting its progress before it collides with the wall behind it. I tiptoe across the white carpet, its shag fingers caressing my toes, and climb up the three stairs that separate the living room from the dining room (though why we call it a dining room, I’ll never know…I certainly never dine therein). By this time, I’ve crossed the brass border between carpet and wood, and the floor creaks as though offended by my presence. My first stop is the bathroom, where I empty my bladder and splash chill water on my face, disposing of most of the sweat. Thus refreshed, I make my foray to the kitchen, nab two slices of bread, and prepare to make the return journey.
          
           A twig snaps outside.
          
             I whip my head around, paranoid for the simple reason that it’s dark and I’m in a quiet house, early in the morning. I peer out the window, a little frightened that some pale face will appear behind its panes, scaring me quite literally to death. Night does this to me. I wonder if it’s universal. In the wan, sparing light reflected from the city off the clouds, I make out a mobile form. Damn it…somebody must have left the dog out all night. It’s a wonder she hasn’t split by now. I snatch a flashlight from the kitchen counter and dash out the door, irate and ready to return to my bed. The beam suddenly seems totally inadequate, its yellow-white glow illuminating only a square yard of ground at most, and casting the rest in eerie shadows. My eyes flick over the dim yard-scape, searching for the pesky canine.
          
            Out of nowhere, a steel-strong grip latches on to my wrist. As I turn to confront whatever the hell’s grabbing me, an enormous blunt object collides with my face. I hear my nose crack and snap, releasing blood as the cartilage tears and the underlying bone shatters. Both of my lips are split and several of the teeth below are stripped from their positions by the tremendous force. My eyes roll back in their sockets, staring at my inattentive brain and demanding a reaction. But it’s already shutting down, its circuits overloaded. I slam into a pool of density, its enveloping arms welcoming me into unconsciousness.

     

    ~

     

                I’ve got a splitting, throbbing headache. It’s hard to open my eyes…they’re almost glued shut. I reach up and push the lids apart, then glance down at my hands. A sticky film of mostly-coagulated blood coats my fingertips, and, I assume, my face. I glance around, surveying my surroundings. They’re very different from what I’ve come to expect when I rise. A medical-green coat of acrylic paint clings to everything, synchronizing the floor with the walls and the ceiling. A metal disk with slits through the center, a drain of some sort, is situated in the center of the painted cement floor. The room, which I can only assume is a holding cell, is about eight by eight, with a low-hanging ceiling and no windows. The only signs I see of a door are two hair-thin parallel lines stretching from floor to ceiling, about two feet apart. Below me is a sparsely-cushioned cot…it’s a rusty, creaky steel frame holding up a small vinyl mat. Reminds me of one of those little mats they pass out in preschool…the ones that are red on one side and blue on the other. Except, you know, it’s green. It’s about the same thickness, and the sweat (and blood, in this case) sticks to its surface in the same way. It’s grimy and covered in irremovable stains and spots of chemical discoloration. The round bases of each leg have been bolted to the floor, though judging from their current state of disrepair, it’d be a small matter to wrench them free.

                I push my torso off the cut with my arms, noticing a series of small, red bumps on the inside of my right elbow, which is rather sore. My legs and torso are fine…everything seems to be in working order. On cursory inspection it seems like I’ve just woken up from a very refreshing sleep. I walk around the cell, examining both its interior and my body’s reaction to the trauma it’s been placed under. Glancing down, I catch a glimpse of my face in the metal drain cover: the first thing I see is a shock of red. Did they dye my hair for some sick reason? Then I realize that my hair is its natural shade, a light brown with bits of blonde and gold, but directly below it lies a shattered, raw battlefield of mottled, mangled flesh: my face.

                For the first split second, I can’t move. Shock is overpowering, especially when accompanied by fear, rage, and remorse. The sudden flood of emotion is sickening in its intensity: I can feel my veins and lymph vessels swelling and pulsing as the emotional hormones sear through them, alerting my body to the situation. My eyes snap shut, yanking on the rest of the skin and muscles that hang loosely from my face, tensing them and igniting a mask of fire in and on my tissues. A sudden flux of saline water from my tear ducts inflames the raw tissue that veils my now-protruding cheekbones. A burst of memory crashes into my mind, bringing to my overloading brain a series of images: a flash of movement in the night, a red haze of pain, a shaded form. Where am I? My lungs begin to pump rapidly and shallowly, depriving me of the oxygen I need while further exhausting my weakened body. My vision blurs.

                I force myself to breathe deeply, and a slender lever of reason wedges its way beneath the weight of my plummeting sanity. I sit on the cot, gasping enormous gulps of air.

     

                 As the perceptibly over-clocked firing of my synapses slow, one of the paper-thin cracks in the wall widens and becomes door opening outward, its hinges invisible behind its bulk. It’s at least three inches of reinforced steel…what crime could I have committed that would inspire such effort to detain me? A youthful man, who I can only assume is my jailor, enters my room. As he passes through the doorframe, a matrix of red light flashes over his frame, and there’s a series of audible beeps. Some sort of scanner…a metal detector, maybe?

                The man’s hair is a dark brown, nearly black, curly, and of middling length, hanging a bit over his ears and eyes. His chin and jaw are masked by a short beard, which is even darker than the hair on his head.  His nose is prominent and Romanesque, his nostrils elongated ellipses rather than circles, but his eyes, contrary to what one would expect, are a very transparent blue, clearly displaying the thoughts that live behind them. Their energy is only intensified by the gold-rimmed, old-fashioned spectacles that sit on the bridge of the nose. They’re very cheerful eyes, and a smile tugs on their corners playfully, even though the man’s lips are firmly set below them. He is clad in a dress suit which appears to be of expensive make, though its quality is subtle. His pants and the shirt underlying his jacket are well-pressed and his collar is starched. Though the air is noticeably warm and his garments look rather constricting, he’s completely at ease. In his hands, which feature prominently the veins under his skin, he carries a plastic folding chair; it looks extremely flimsy, which is probably intentional. They obviously consider me dangerous, and if they provide me with any sort of sturdy hardware, it could turn into a weapon. It’s not as if I’d have anywhere to go, even if I did escape. I’d first have to know where I was. And I don’t.

     

                The man unfolds the seat and places it gingerly on the floor, producing little sound. He smiles genially at me, and his eyes light up. I stare, confused...It’s obvious that I shouldn’t trust this man, but it would be so easy to accept what I see of him and not worry about what I can’t see. He sits, bringing himself to my eye level. His breath smells like spearmint…it’s strong enough to detect, even though he sits more than three feet from me. He parts his lips to speak, and the sharp, pungent smell immediately gets stronger. “My name is Anton. I know who you are, so there’s no real need to introduce yourself. Would you care to tell me why you’re here? Now, don’t squawk and fuss and claim you’re innocent, because I know full well when I’m being lied to. It doesn’t matter how well you bluff when I’ve counted every card in the deck.”

     

Sunday, 22 March 2009

  • Although my mind is muddled...

    Although my feelings fit their jagged ruts,
    For your sake, I'll forego the over-wrought lines,
    The adolescent pledges of romance.

    Although the well-worn thought-paths are the timeliest to trudge,
    For your sae, I'll sink my boots into the mud
    Of unexplored explanations.

    Although it'd be easier to coo benign lies through closed-and-clenched teeth,
    For your sake, I'll straigfthen my forked tongue
    And utter only truthfulness.

    Although my success would be more assured if I exaggerated my plight,
    For your sake, I'll contain my tangent
    For stretching realities.

    Although you might have me if I professed overpowering, undying love,
    For your sake, I'll say only what I know to be true:
    That I like you well, and no more.

    Although the potential pain of yet another rejection is insurmountable,
    For your sake, I'll fling myself from the familiar cliff,
    Praying that, this time, there'll be water in the canyon below me.

                                        ~

    Although at this point, my chain of premeditated language isd broken,
    For your sake, I'll attempt another stanza,
    Hoping that the loose ends will fuse themselves together.

    Although my words, when taken all in a bunch, fail to make a point,
    For your sake, I'll keep talking,
    Knowing that you're in love with the way I speak.

                                       ~

    Although I'll not be arrogant enough to believe that you'd stoop to my level,
    For your sake, I'll reach as high as I can,
    Waiting for my legs to stretch.

    Although It's unlikely that I'll be rewarded for my pursuit,
    For your sake, I'll chase the fabled beast,
    Seeking Affection with fervor.

    Although it's unlikely that you'll give me a chance,
    For your sake, I'll give you as many as you need,
    Sending Opportunity knocking in hopes that you'll answer the door.

Monday, 26 January 2009

  • Hobbits and Parenthood

    This afternoon, I headed up the Teen Book Club at my local branch of the library.

    Our librarian was nice enough to provide some delectable refreshments, so I was able to draw in about four or five kids, other than myself. I started the meeting by introducing the books I'd selected for the next two-week period. I had decided to split the group in two: middle school and high school. I picked a book for each: The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien for the younglings, and Thr3e by Ted Dekker for my peers.

    The meeting proceeded much as you'd expect: I read aloud the synopsis of each book, and we, as a group, read the first chapters, passing the novels around the circle to read in turn.

    So...

    After I finished reading a selection from the Hobbit, which is most emphatically a kids' book, I was approached by a whelp of no more than six or seven. Wide-eyed, she inquired, "Are you a teacher?" I couldn't help but laugh, not just because of the fact that I'm not even half-way through high-school. This little encounter brought to mind a few things.

    First of all, I can't wait to have kids. Lately, I've been looking at the diminutive side of humanity in a new light...I've been seeing them as a pleasant future, rather than a lost past. People tell me I'm good with kids...I guess that's a little bit true. But it's not because I have any leadership ability or anything of that nature. It's because I'm young enough to be amused by what amuses them, but old enough to know what crosses the behavioral line. I don't know about you, but I think some of the most ridiculous things are hilarious. Thus, I get along with children. I laugh at their jokes. I play their games. I sing their songs.

    Hell, I LOVE playing Bus Driver. It's beast.

    Another thing this little affair inspired was memories of my childhood...the good ol' days when I was Fun-sized. Heh. I can see why the kid might have been unable to distinguish me from her teachers...when I was her age, any Post-pubescent human was an adult. I couldn't tell the difference between my teachers and the omnipotent high-school students. Age was irrelevant. Maybe it's just because of the time that's elapsed, but when I look back at my little-kid life, I see only a haze of confusion and bliss. It was great.

    Maybe the reason we love children is because it takes us back to where we want to be: the innocence and simple thought we've forgotten. Maybe the reason we long to parent children is because we long for the glimpse of the things we've lost. 

    I can't wait to read to my kids.

Saturday, 24 January 2009

  • Shallow

    What is up with you and shallow people?

    I know there's more to you than that, and there are people out there that are much better for you than the people you've chosen.

    Your best friend, to be perfectly frank, is a ditz. She doesn't understand art, she has no taste in music, and her brain is turned off ninety percent of the time. And she's cruel, if you haven't noticed. Maybe she'd be less abrasive if she thought about what she said before hand. I don't think she understands the fact that other people are just as human as she is.

    That mentioned, let's talk about your current love interest. He's foolish, crude, and uncultured. Every other thing he says is poorly-crafted humor, and the other half is meaningless. What on earth can you see in him?

    What can these people give you that I can't give you? The ability to go through life without thinking about what's happening? A sunshine-and-rainbows look at the world?

    Okay. That's your choice. I'll keep my cynical, calculating logic.

    Don't wonder what happened when you find that
    you've retained the psyche of a middle schooler
    all the way through high school.

    Try not to get hurt.

    Good luck.

Pulse

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Chatboard (5)

  • jnathanroy
    @NightGhast - heh. understood. and thanks.
  • NightGhast
    @jnathanroy - fair enough... but I find that some of the most interesting people are not ones that I have previously met as it were... oh, and nice hat :)
  • jnathanroy
    @soulstar76 - feel free to subscribe. you have my thanks. @NightGhast - you have my apologies. but i've decided to only add people i actually know to my friends list. may the force be with you.
  • NightGhast
    Are you threatening me, master jedi? I'm afraid that approach only works on the weak minded... I find your lack of faith disturbing
  • soulstar76
    hi my name is soulstar76 which makes me 17 yrs your seniour but writers write and i hope you don't think i'm some crazy cougar, i am engaged, but he has difficulties reading my stuff............................so i write him letters knowing they're just really read by me, or if not too person, what-